Childhood was difficult for young Miss Mary. She split her time between gigging catfish on the mighty Mississippi and peeking through a peephole at the boy's locker room at her junior high school. After being found in an overly excited condition while playing dodge-ball, she became a virtual recluse for the next seven years, with a few slips here and there, a time that is to be noted because it was during this time that she became an expert at removing bottle-caps by gripping them between her thighs which began her retail career in the local grocery store.

She parlayed this talent into her first paying job at the local brewery. One day, she found among the usual array of brown bottles, a bright green Mountain Dew 12-ouncer, which she gleefully opened and consumed, stray public hair and all. Hence, her eternal devotion to this uplifting new brew.

As an adolescent, she hitchhiked to Iowa City, a place of endless decadence and filth where even the nicest girl can go bad. It was here where she met and was routinely molested by a notorious gang of semi-harlots called the Keg Sisters; Kuicky, Kitty, Kinky and Katie. It was during the infamous corncob initiation ritual that Mary realized there was more to the world than the cornfields of her home state. And so she set out to conquer the world. After narrowly avoiding arrest on morals charges in Kansas City and Nashville, she stole a panel truck and high-tailed it to Tampa, Florida, where she pitched a tent among the mangroves and settled in for the winter. One night, as she was adjusting her kneepads, she saw a brilliant light shining from behind the nearby cypress log. It turned out to be the light of the full moon reflected off the compact mirror of Tampa's own Mother Superior, Agatha Frisky (who would later claim that she was doing outreach, despite the rips in her fishnet hose).

And the rest, as they say, is history. Sister Agatha along with Sister Freda, recruited Mary to join the order, and a local legend was born.